From: flipper@zion.idiscover.co.uk (Fingers McPhee)
Newsgroups: uk.music.rave
Subject: Wheeee-kly World Gnus
Date: Fri, 01 Aug 1997 16:37:33 GMT


All the gnus that's fit to roam, wild and free, across the sweeping
Kalahari. 


Historic Expedition Hits Trouble

A tripping two-man expedition which set out on a daring search for the
newsagents this morning has been  feared lost.

Now mission controllers at the base-camp house in North London are
reported to be exhausted after a sleepless night of munting and are
unable to contact Jane Frimley (19) and Rob Peterson (29), now thought
to be lost in North London.

"They've been a long time," said Peter Hawkins (24) who originally
proposed the expedition, "Somebody skin up." 

An earlier expedition to a closer newsagents met with failure.
Disappointed team leader Roger Lench said: "We made it as far as the
counter and asked for some cigarettes but unfortunately we then
exploded into uncontrollable giggles and had to flee in confusion."

"Conditions outside are harsh, with mind-bendingly bright sunlight and
lots of normal people. There is a real possibility of losing your
bearings. We were given accurate directions to the approximate site of
R.G. News, but after the second "turn left" all I heard was: "Blah
blah blahblah blah traffic lights blah blah."

The base camp are relying on the success of the team who were to
return with vital supplies, including cigarettes, cans of coke and a
kit-kat.

Mr Hawkins added: "Our situation is getting desperate. No one is in a
fit state to go into the kitchen and make tea. I'm fucked. I really
am. Fuuuck."

He later shrugged expressively and sighed heavily to indicate his
mental state.

Fellow team member Chris Hanson gave an update on the situation to
waiting reporters. He said: "We don't know how long they've been
because none of us can remember when they set out, but it sure seems a
long time.

He later added: "You know, there's a whole universe inside those
curtains, if you could but see it. It's like.... Woah."


Federation Starship Distress Call "False Alarm."

A distress call from the starship U.S.S. Lifeline, has been dismissed
as a hoax by Federation officials yesterday.   

Fleet Commander James T. Kirk said: "We were initially surprised to
hear from Captain Dave Gilmour of the Lifeline again, especially
considering that they did exactly the same thing last year.

"Perhaps it's their idea of a joke." 

The distress call came as a request for urgent assistance, partly
reading: "Our ship is under attack by Slocutus of the Bourge. Help us
or we will be assimilated into the Home Counties Collective and be
made to play golf and write cross letters to the Daily Mail." 

The Lifeline is on a three-year mission to provide sympathetic
counselling and advice services. 

A federation spokesman told waiting reporters: "These guys are
definitely on another planet. Possibly one in a completely different
universe to ours."

Councillor Deanna Troi commented: "I feel great anger from the ship.
No, I can't be more specific."


Healey Goes Down a Storm at Top Night Spot.

In a London Limousine mix-up, ex-Labour minister Dennis Healy had to
play a three hour house set at London night-spot the Ministry of
Sound.

Meanwhile, popular DJ Jeremy Healey discovered he was to give a speech
to assembled European Parliament members on electoral reform by way of
integrated proportional representation system in a post-Maastricht
era.

Mr Healy refused to comment on the blunder. A disappointed delegate,
Henri Dupont, said: "It is disappointing to learn that Mr Healey
favours a more British first-past-the-post system which is not in line
with either Germany or France. And that track "Stomp" he did was shit,
as well. Absolutely pants."

Despite a minor glitch in the first hour of his set when his big bushy
eyebrows became caught in the motor drive of a Technics turntable, EEC
representative and House of Lords member Dennis Healey was pleased
with his performance.

Lord Healy said: "The eyebrows thing was a bit embarrassing, but the
lighting in the DJ box was a joke. I've never had such a hard time
reading my play list since the 1986 Brussels Commission on a Common
Defence Policy. 

"I gave it to them hard, fast and dirty, and they loved it. There's
more to house than handbag, you know."

Shortly after he finished his talk, Jeremy Healy flew by helicopter to
the Cream nightclub in Liverpool, where he gave a speech on The
Preservations of Hedgerows Act (1984) with reference to Common
Agricultural Policy and subsidy tenant farming within the EEC and
Benelux affiliates.

Cream regular Catherine Silver (17) described it as: "Blinding. The
best set I've ever heard Healy play, easily. He had the crowd in the
palm of his hand. A nice change, I thought."


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Free the Block One.