From: flipper@zion.idiscover.co.uk (Fingers McPhee)
Newsgroups: uk.music.rave
Subject: Weakly World Nooze
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 17:27:12 GMT

+++A roundup of recent world events using this new-fangled "push"
technology that seems so popular with the young folk these days+++


PILTON MAN FOUND IN PERFECT CONDITION.

THE PERFECTLY preserved body of a 20th Century man was discovered in
one of New Avalon's last remaining fields today.

An archaeological dig of the site, which historians believe was called
Glastonbury, turned up a the body found inside what is believed to be
a "burial tent."


Professor X'Mnthuw of the New Astral University said: "This is a
historic moment. We are working on a theory that 20th Century man was
a nomadic creature. This specimen was found wrapped in canvas and
enwombed inside a thick strata of mud, clutching a whistle and a
bottle of water. We believe that these may have played a part in
sacred rites.

"Perhaps he may have been offered up by other members of his tribe as
a sacrifice to placate the Sun God, but this clearly was unsuccessful
since, as every school-crystal knows,  these carbon-based lifeforms
were swept from the earth in the mid 22nd century during The Great
Cooling."


MAN CRUSHED UNDER WEIGHT OF FLIERS

A LONDON man was cut free by firefighters after a night out clubbing
turned into a near-tragedy when he left the club.

Geoffrey Benham (24) was leaving top London night Hibernation when
nearly half a tonne of fliers advertising other nights were thrust
into his hands.

Mr Benham said: "It was a nightmare. There was no escape from pieces
of paper, card and plastic bags. It was like an avalanche - I tried to
carry them all, but soon my arms were full and they just kept coming.
I remember my legs becoming weak and then everything just went black."

Firecrews were called in after club security searched unsuccessfully
for the missing man. Using heat-sensitive cameras, they located his
broken body and used jaws-of-life technology to cut him free.

Mr Benham is described as "comfortable" by staff at Kings Hospital.


TALL PAUL DECLARED NATIONAL TREASURE

Tall Paul, of Newcastle, was declared a "national treasure" by
overexcited ravers during the Glastonbury festival.

Now plans are underway to have the title recognised by the National
Trust. If the Board of Directors agree in their vote on Friday, Tall
Paul will be declared a historical resource and will become a Listed
Raver.

Treasurer Sir Lawrence Massey-Ferguson said: "Tall Paul's contribution
to maintaining the country's plur levels cannot be underestimated. He
is and, with National Trust maintenance, will continue to be a vital
educational and moral resource for our nation's schools. We are
looking at ways of preserving him, as the traditional covering  in
amber and varnish is clearly not practical in this circumstance."

Urged Massey-Ferguson: "Have it large."


CONFLICT FEARED IN CONTROVERSIAL THREAD

UNCONFIRMED reports are coming in of heavy fighting in the Diamond
Ecstasy thread.

Refugees from the thread claim that invading Government forces have
clashed with guerillas over several weeks in the disputed umr free
zone.

Departmental head of London's Imperial College War Studies and Zoology
faculty, Professor Henry Jenkins, said: "There are occasional and
 sporadic conflicts on the uk.music.rave newsgroup. Its inhabitants
are like the mighty badger; hard to arouse but fierce when angered.
And they have stout claws, almost perfectly adapted to their
subterranean lifestyles, digging tunnels in search of a nice juicy
worm, or perhaps a hibernating frog."

An emergency session of the security council has been scheduled for
next week, after concerns that the fighting might spread to more
newsgroups.

Commander of UN peace-keeping forces in the area, Lieutenant-Colonel
Evans, said: "We hope that this can be solved diplomatically using the
tenets of PLUR - Peace, Love, Unity, Rapid fire in controlled bursts."



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"You're off the deep end

                       Bon voyage!"