Subject: The Brag of a UMRer; or My Considered Response to Barry Legg's Bill.  
Author: Fingers McPhee 
Date: 1997/03/25


Dear Mr Legg (MP),

You may be congratulating yourself on your adroit political skill in
manoeuvring your bill into the crammed last stage of parliament before
the imminent election. 

You may also think you're The Biggest Camembert in the Dairy. But I'm
here to tell you that HOOOoooooOOOowwwweeeee you SCREWED UP BIG TIME,
BOH!!

CARLA! Show Mr Legg to the PLUR pit!!! WE RUN ON INFRARED!! We're JUST
STARTING when you're DEEP IN DROOLING SLEEP! Could you TAKE the PACE?
IIIIIII don't THEENK so! We're running on FULL-ON, 12-litre,
eye-bugging, bouncing SHOT-GUN SEROTONIN CAPACITY WHEN MILKMEN are
HAVING THEIR SHOWERS!!!

Heeee-yaaaah!!! Serotonin?? Don't talk to US about Serotonin!! We
WRUNG the last few GLISTENING DROPS from wracked, wasted, limp,
spidery little overworked neurons and synapses YEARS AGO!!! WE'VE
VOLUNTARILY changed our OWN brain chemistry *so much* that our adrenal
glands make their OWN LSD and we PISS pure METHEDRINE!!! AND THOSE ARE
JUST THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T TAKE DRUGS!!

You're meddling with FORCES you DON'T UNDERSTAND!

OUR basslines are classed as ILLEGAL WEAPONRY under the GENEVA
CONVENTION and are TOTALLY UNSAFE!!! The most fucked-up, deep-ground,
Aleph-classified Black Project, supa-sekrit-Skunk-Works-MIND-CONTROL
weapons research Laboratories in Nevadan bases three miles deep under
desert which are STILL only nervously whispered CONSPIRACY theories
amongst ALIEN GRAY HOSTAGES are only just STARTING TO PLAY od ACID
TRACKS and they're finding out WHAT WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN! THEY CAN'T
CONTAIN WHAT THEY'VE DISCOVERED!!!! This VIRUS is out of control!!
DON'T YOU SEE? Are you BLIND??!! IT'S TOO LATE!!!!!!  Aieeeee!!! Our
Bass will REDUCE you to a vibrating jelly, PULP your bones into a
white paste and SMUSH brains into a grey oatmeal which TRICKLES out
your EARSOCKETS!! Your eyes will POP like GRAPES IN A MICROWAVE!!!

The sub-harmonics in the LEAST of our Ambient tracks make CIA PSYCHIC
EXPERIMENTS seem like MOTHERCARE!! Our tunes slap STEALTH BOMBERS out
of the sky and CRUSH them in a GOD-LIKE FIST of warping ACID HOOKS,
our laser-pointers BLIND satellites! Our cheesiest piano-breaks would
have the SAS COMING OUT WITH THEIR HANDS IN THE AIR!! Our breakbeats
can make THE AIR ITSELF into a SOLID!! WE have the ARROWS OF SHIVA and
they come IN VINYL!! Using the CHEAPEST Akai BOOM-BOX we could turn
the ENTIRE POPULATION into trance-crazed Flouro-zombies who would
GLADLY sell their SOULS to the Great God MIX! WE HAVE THE CAPACITY!!!

YOU'RE SO RIGHT to FEAR us!! Lucky for YOU, Meestah Legg,
ifthatisindeedyour*real*name, we make Ghandi seem like Ghengis Khan!
HIS SERENE HOLINESS The Dalai Lama is as a pissed-up beer-boy brawling
with a BROKEN BOTTLE IN HIS MEATY FIST compared to our PACIFIC 808
STATE!!! We know the SEVEN GREAT SECRETS OF PLUR!! Third Eye Records
have FOUR less eyes than we do!! We make Koala bears look like
WAX-EYED PCP PSYCHO-FREAKS from the worst GOV'MINT propaganda COMIC
BOOK!!! Gurus weep in ENVY when they see how many CHAKRAS we have!!
PHILOSOPHERS jack it all in and write children's BOOKS when they hear
SCANT NANOSECONDS of post-party frontroom CHAT from US WHICH SUITS US
FINE!!

Smart? AS SMART AS A CARROT and cooler than CUCUMBERS!!! WE are SO
FUCKEN SORTED we make your most anally retentive House O'Cummins
filing system look like BLIND CHAOS THEORY in ACTION!!

SO C'MON!!! Come on in and GET US, if you can FIND US!!! WE'RE SMOKE
in a LASER BEAM!! We are STEALTH and your RADARS are NEVER GOING TO
pick us ALL up. WE'RE going to dance them on the BEACHES, in the
QUARRIES, on the HILLS and in the FIELDS of this GREEN COUNTRY,
because Hell, ENGLAND DESERVES IT!! WE are the true PATRIOTS and on
our flag is a BANANA in colours that would SKULL-FUCK you through your
baggy old eye sockets and SHOOT psychadelics into your withered BRAIN
TO GET THINGS BLOOMING AGAIN if you looked at them TOO LONG!!!

YOU don't get it!! We've WON already because YOU had to use FORCE OF
LAW!! We HAVE our CONSTITUTION and  it's a fucking strong one because
of all the SHIT we dump in it EVERY WEEKEND!!! *AND* it's THRIVING!!
We have your kids and they're NOT hostages - they're willing
RECRUITS... We shall keep the FLAG flying no matter what, because We
Hold These Tunes To Be Self-Evident...

We Shall NEVER surrender because THERE IS NO WAR!! BUSINESS as usual
you fuckahs!!! HAAAAA-hahahahahahaaaaaar! BITE me LEGG!! Gobble MY
CRANK AND LIKE IT!!!!!!

Yours Cordially,

Fingers.

PS: I am prepared to accept your complete and unconditional surrender
in person at the next Reclaim The Streets march. Bring a bottle of
water and enough money to get us both into the club of our choice and
we can kiss and make up.


------------------------------------------------------

The Rev. Loonie J. Winehands.